Trauma's Reject
by xXxJazzy B. RealxXx
Summary: "I didn't hold true to the oath I made to myself after I saved Birdie, and now I question my identity."


**__****_Disclaimer: _**___I do not own the characters used in this excerpt._

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_**~ Prologue**_

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Please tell me this has happened to you.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this, that I'm not _crazy_, that I _am_ normal, that I'll be okay.

Tell me anything at all, tell me a lie, just..._anything_ at all, but please...please don't tell me...that I'm _pathetic_.

Tell me that you've had one of those days where you just sit down...and_ think_.

Well, have you? Because I have, and I now know that it's bad to think.

It's bad to think, because once you have enough time and silence to think, you start thinking too much and find yourself unable to stop thinking. You start thinking and thinking and _thinking_ and _**thinking **_about your life and every, _every_ little second you've spent living it.

You start to peek into those little cracks, those little holes and corners of your life that no one else can look at, yet when you peek into those nooks and crannies, there's nothing inside. No bad memory to trace back to the depression that's suddenly hit you, no traumatic past, no excuse to blame it on and find comfort in.

_No solution._

Everyone outside of your world believes you're okay. They all think you're perfectly normal, but you're actually just lost in this superficial pattern of copying everyone else. You're smiling enough, your voice is tinkly enough, and your atmosphere is bubbly enough to really convince them you're okay. The only reason you fit in is because you have no other identity.

You see...just yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the year before that, I had it all figured out: I have a decent home and loving friends, I'm surrounded by kind citizens and a wonderful job at the bakery, and one day, I'm going to share this happiness with my dream. A dream that's taken the form of someone blue with a breathless smile and a personality to either love or hate.

These are my half-truths. This is my cartoony world.

I love him, no matter what. I know I do. It's right here in my heart. I love him from how he grins to when he's cruel. I love him.

But it wasn't until yesterday that I realized my life's happiness was being upheld by that dream. It's the only dream I have to look forward to. It's what I'm..._living _toward; his adventures, his fun; fighting the world and saving it from egg-headed evildoers. That sounds extreme, but isn't that the general idea of any dream?

_"Where do you see yourself in thirty years?" _- said the man with the big, greasy, bell-pepper nose on the three o'clock commercial that evening.

Can we make it ten, Mr. Commercial Man?

Because in ten years, I'll be married to Sonie.

That's right, I'll be married to him.

That's what I've been bouncing and bragging around about for five years.

_You hear me? _

I'll be married to Sonie, with one little girl who looks like me, and one little boy who looks like him. We'll travel the world and have fun together. The rainbows will be ours, and it'll be just us! We'll be like Tinklebell and Peter Pan!

...But then just the other day, I remembered I was left with the bitter taste of doubt in my mouth that I've felt many, many times all throughout the years.

Just the other day, I..._sat down._..and _thought_.

Where _will _I be in thirty years? I know where I'll be in ten, but in thirty? Will I die happily ever after with Sonie, or will I still be chasing him with dentures in my mouth?

In that same day, something remarkable happened; I saw Sonic. This, is what changed my life forever.

I cried, _"Sonic!" _as I always did.

He ran right past me in a wind that took my hair with it, as he always does.

I sighed, as I always do.

...And gave myself the pep-talk, as I always have.

Nothing unusual, see?

No dramatic revelation just yet.

Sonic didn't yell at me, he didn't tell me I irritated him, he didn't sneer at me.

Nothing unusual happened.

It was like any other day.

...And because it was like any other day, the revelation hit me like a sucker-punch to the jaw. It was a cheap shot that I'm still rubbing my chin over, because I suddenly saw myself from the perspective of a bystander.

_Nothing_ has changed for _five _years with me. I'm still the damsel, still the gum to the hero's foot, still the bait for enemies, still running after Sonic's life instead of running with my own.

I didn't hold true to the oath I made to myself after I saved Birdie. I didn't grow up. I didn't become less dependent on having Sonic save me from my own responsibilities; I half-assed it. Matter of fact, Sonic and I fall back into the same routine over and over again after any type of short-lived compromise. Everything **bounces**; it never _sticks_.

That was the day I decided to tell myself the truth, and my rainbow world spluttered into a holographic film of black and white. This, is the truth:

I'm about to be kicked out of my apartment in March. My job at the bakery is a strain on my dignity. My friends think I'm useless, dense, or annoying; they only tolerate me out of sympathy or spite. The citizens talk about me behind my back and in magazines, dubbing me as, _"that obsessed Sonic-girl." _

...And my dream hasn't come true, because every step I take to achieve it, it runs away from me; leaving me stranded and isolated in a boring city with routines and rules that I kick and scream to get away from. _"Why can't you always take me on your adventures? Why do you keep all the fun to yourself? Sonic, Tails, Knuckles...why do__ all __of you always leave me behind?"_

Feelings of wretchedness, confusion and desperation accumulated into a nasty clot in my brain.

My thinking was hairy; I was snapping at people; I had become aggressive and competitive, resulting in being combative and prejudice.

I lost the mind that was full of half-truths and unbiased kindness. I picked and chose the candidates to be nice to and the candidates to be biased to; I picked and chose my _causes_. I was delusional and mean, growing filled with the ideas of the people who'd hand-fed my miseries like tourists feeding pigeons.

I'm lost.

I'm breaking down.

I'm losing control.

I sit on my couch with two cartons of ice cream and cry myself to sleep, trying to understand my identity.

But _no one_ tells you that part about _Amy Rose_.

They don't write that in the magazines, the fanbase profiles, the gossip blogs, or the newspapers! She's always happy, she's always grinning, she's always stupid, she's always bipolar, she's always obsessed, she's always annoying, she's always upset over something that was unrealistic from the start.

_You_ don't know _me_!

I'm more than that girl who chases Sonic and greets you with a high-pitched voice. I just...I just wanted to dream for a little while. I wasn't spat on, slapped, hit, tortured, or traumatized, but the pain I'm feeling is still painful! I'm not less deserving of any right to feel depressed; I'm not saying my problem is bigger than anyone else's, but don't compare me to people in worse situations! My fantasy's not coming to an end, because it never began in the first place, and I...

Look, I...don't know how it happened, or why it happened.

It wasn't _supposed_ to happen. I'm not this weak, really I...God, I-I'm not...I'm not this _weak_. But I decided to tell myself the "truth," before someone beat me to it. Before _any _of you beat me to it.

"You've been acting really strange lately, Amy. Me and Cheese have been worried about you. Even Mr. Sonic said something's wrong."

...They don't recognize me.

"...Amy?"

They don't see me.

"Amy? Are you still there?"

They don't hear me.

"Uwaah, A-Amy, why aren't you answering me anymore?"

...They don't love me.

"Amy, please answer me! You're scaring me!"

...I whisper into my cellphone as the tears burn my eyes, "...And never will."

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**_Author's Note:_**

_This isn't a, __"Amy finally realizes Sonic doesn't love her,"_ story, since the story will develop into a moral-based Shadow/Amy/Sonic fanfiction. This is a, _"Amy does show doubt and low self-esteem in her current relationships and identity status when the sun goes down,"_ story with four chapters. Matter of fact, this is just an **un-canon-based **experiment. Flanderizing one aspect IN canon and taking it to "another direction."

_Shadow and Sonic mostly take on the roles of "two different guidance influences" on her current situation, so I can't really call it "romance" aside from the fact that both harbor feelings for her that neither go into in the story. The only thing they "go into" would be their appreciation towards her person._

_Shadow's spurs from Ark and his oath to her, since that's all he generally "knows" about her to judge her from, along with her Maria-ish "love for humanity," so the "temperature of his stance" with Amy is just right. Sonic's spurs from a variety of SEGA-events and seeing her stalwart values for others in many scenarios first hand, so Sonic X-events don't exist here. So-out of anyone other than Gamma-these two have had the proper experiences with Amy to not judge her off of "useless" lineaments._

_Amy working through her identity crisis is the main point; not romantic exploitations._


End file.
